If you could hear how many women complain of this in our center, you would be amazed. It is very common especially amongst women over 40.

There are so many reasons for this. Some are expected like bacterial infection and vaginal dryness, but some are not as common. Pain is also experienced when some sexually transmitted diseases part of the equation and also there are cists that grow that are very painful, as well.

Another is a disorder called vaginisimus.  This is a condition that is almost always a secondary condition that comes after one of the other possibilities mentioned above. It is extremely important to see a doctor to rule out these other issues first. If it is a cyst, infection, dryness or disease, a medical doctor can usually help to alleviate the pain and determine the cause of it. Often times, an antibiotic is all that is needed.

When there is severe dryness, it is usually due to menopause, age related disorders, a hysterectomy or other causes that in turn stop or inhibit natural secretion and/or moisture to occur on its own.

When dryness is an issue, the simplest way to determine if that is the only problem would be to use KY Jelly. Dousing it generously on the penis and then inserting into the vagina. If there is still a considerable amount of pain during intercourse, stop and make an appointment with your doctor right away to determine other causes for that pain. Obviously, if the pain is not there, then you will know that natural secretion/moisture is the issue. Keep in mind that this is very common during premenopausal and menopausal stages. When this is the reason for the pain, the doctor has ways that can help and the KY Jelly may be the easiest answer until that stage is over.

In the next post, we will focus on vaginisimus. We will give a great web resource as well as some ideas for relieving the pain. Stay tuned for more information.

We posted this back on November 3 and it was talked about so much that we decided to repost it. Hope it helps:

What is abuse? There is child abuse, spousal abuse or domestic violence and elder abuse. All of these are commonly seen in homes where sexual abuse is occurring.

If a woman comes into the office that has been sexually abused earlier in life then I usually will ask her husband to come in with her two or three times so that he can become one of her supporters.  If he refuses, then we see that as a serious “red flag”. Many survivors of abuse deal with shame, guilt, anger, rage, fear and low self esteem. Trust issues are seen, as well.

Why do you think people experience shame? Sometimes, it is because some of that sexual stuff like kissing touching and oral sex, felt good and it shouldn’t have, right? Sometimes, it is because they feel dirty. Sometimes, it is because sex feels dirty and everyone else likes it. This can also produce feelings of being abnormal and embarrassment. Shame goes way deeper than feelings of anger or depression because it cuts at the core of who we are. It’s not easy to talk about for the simple reason that others will not get it or others will think less of us. If it is a man being sexually abused, then you have to deal with his shame from not being strong enough or not feeling man enough. The stats on men being abused are low primarily due to not wanting to report it. Men do not usually wish to be that vulnerable.

How does all this impact marriages? Well, the obvious is that all relationships are viewed unhealthily. Perspectives on men and women are skewed. Thinking about sex is distorted. “How they feel” or “what they think and want from me”. Trust is shattered and boils over to new relationships. If trust is not in a marriage, then intimacy becomes a game. Vulnerability becomes almost impossible. Sharing feelings is difficult, embarrassing, shameful and at times, guilt ridden.

Guilt is another issue entirely. We ask ourselves, “could I have stopped this from happening” or Did I do something to deserve this?”

Let me assure you that if it is truly abuse, then it is never the victim’s fault and never a reason for guilt.

When shame, guilt and embarrassment come into a marriage relationship, it interferes with the level of intimacy. It puts other people and experiences between the partners. It chisels away at closeness.

Can it change? Of course it can, with lots of hard work and that being done as a team.

Stay tuned for more specifics on our next post.

Most Americans in our country spent a lot of time and money getting ready for the Thanksgiving holiday. Unless, your religion or ethnicity does not acknowledge it, you were amongst the millions eating Turkey this past Thursday. We did at our house, and it was so good. Some of my family said that the stuffing made the meal. Some loved the desserts, others the mashed or sweet potatoes.

It has been a tradition of my family’s to tell each other what we are thankful for in the past year. Sometimes, I get bothered by how it is not taken seriously. Traditions do come and go, but for some of us, they are hard to let go after so many years.

Is it right to laugh at tradition? Is it right to put someone down because of tradition? Probably not but in America we see it happen all the time.

Things that we don’t do or think are foreign to us and at times, make us uncomfortable. Some of us are simply creatures of habit and we will do the same thing over and over and never even consider changing it up a bit.

Family members grow up and begin to celebrate differently and start their own traditions. There is nothing wrong with this. Our kids will all grow up, move out and begin to change it up a bit. Some will follow the same traditions in their new families. Either way, respecting each other is important.

Being thankful for each other, our jobs, our friends, our material things, our lives/health is so important. We need to be grateful all year, every year, rather than just at Thanksgiving time. This helps us to keep a perspective that is built on good things and not bad. Remember when someone tells you to “count your blessings” that it is healthy for us to do so physically, spiritually, emotionally and cognitively.

We hear all the time to “Have an attitude of gratitude” and we laugh it off but truly, we should.

I would encourage you to consider this as being your goal for the rest of this year and the years to come.

Write down 10 things you are grateful for right now and add to the list 3-5 things every week and at the end of the year, you will have a whole new outlook on life.

I dare you to try!

Why Join Our Cause?

            As I sit here in my office, I am reflecting on the past six or seven months. I think of adolescents considering suicide at one point, now making plans for their future.  I think of a man with emotional erectile disorder having intimate and passionate sex with his wife. I think of husbands and wives  restoring their rocky marriages. I think of women with no self esteem finding value in who they are and realizing that there is, “life after divorce”, after all.

            This is why I do what I do! I am so excited to be a small part of restoring health to our local communities in this way. It brings such joy to my heart and soul! When people like yourself invest in our organization, you play a huge part in making these kinds of differences for them, as well. The social return is seen when the people where you live, become better humans and productive neighbors.

Thanks for joining us in our endeavors.

When marriage comes to a close, as we stated in the previous posts, there are so many things to consider. So many decisions have to be made. There are so many changes.

Let me begin with saying something extremely important. If there is a real, honest to goodness, threat to yourself or your children, then getting out of the situation ASAP, would be of the most importance. Please, do not allow yourself to be strong-armed to stay. Do not allow threats to over shadow the right thing to do. Do not let yourself be manipulated. You can call the police for assistance in a crisis situation. You can call almost any counseling center, as they should have numbers to shelters and/or domestic violence experts.

If it is not a threatening situation, you may still need to call a counselor, a good friend who will listen, a trusted family member or clergy member. Most of the time, talking it through will help you to come to some rational decisions as to what to do next. Processing through your feelings should be the first thing you should do so that you do not make these decisions based on your feelings but based on what is more logical and productive to those impacted.

Usually, one of the first things that has to be determined is who moves out. Once this is determined, where will they go? This will mean deciding who you will tell, how much do they need to know and do you trust them not to spread it around. You will need to decide who keeps what. How much do the things you bought together mean to you and do they need to go with you right away or can that wait. You will have to sit down and decide what you can afford in two places. It is so very important if you have children to decide when they will need to be told and what exactly you tell them. If they are under 18 and/or still living in your shared home, will they stay or go with the partner that is leaving. One thing that can damage the relationships between parents and children is the negative talk about the other parent. Bashing each other is never Ok. Don’t force or expect your kids to take sides. This is not fair to either side and especially not fair to the kids. They can become confused, bitter, angry or possibly resentful. They could also become very depressed or anxious. They should have the opportunity to talk about their feelings with both parents, grandparents or friends. Sometimes, they will need their own counselor to process through it all. Even if the kids are older and do not live at home with you, they will still be impacted. It will shatter dreams in many cases. Tread lightly with them. Let them talk. Tell the truth without bashing.

If there is any chance at all in a reconciliation, please take advantage of professional help to assist you with the insecurities, anger, pain, frustration etc. If this does not work or change the behaviors that got you to this place, then be careful about making all the decisions mentioned in this post.

If you are near to Winter Park Fl. Please call us to see if we can help. You may need to bring in the whole family to talk some of these things out. It may be helpful to give the kids and/or parents a chance to say what is on their minds. You must be careful to address the feelings of guilt that some children have. It is a common occurrence to find that they blame themselves for your break up. This is so unhealthy and absolutely untrue.

Please remember to use logic and not emotion to accomplish the best case scenarios.

We care about you here at Renewing Hearts. We trust that our posts help you.

Well, if you read our last post, the intro to this series, you read about the wide range of emotions that will be flying around during a marriage that is ending. Let’s start there.

What emotions are the most common? Anger, disappointment and pain. Whether it was financial, an affair or relational stuff that lead to your break-up, there is going to be all of these very strong emotions. It might be good to seek counseling. Maybe find a good friend or family member you trust to do all of the venting before you begin trying to make decisions.

Anger is a very strong and powerful emotion. It is what people see/notice, them most. It is not a primary emotion, however. It is a secondary emotion. What do I mean by this? I mean the anger comes from somewhere deeper than what is usually seen. It will most commonly follow a deep pain or disappointment. One should never allow their anger to take control over their behavior. It is important for those experiencing anger to take control over it. Depression is sometimes referred to as internal anger. When a person becomes consumed with anger, it is sometimes pushed inside so deeply that the anger is buried. When it finally comes out, it is explosive. He/she needs to be checked for depression in a clinical situation, due to not getting it out of their system an other positive ways.

Pain and disappointment are primary emotions. They sting the absolute most. These emotions do not go away easily. It takes time and work. Talking it through and making some behavioral changes, is what it takes. If depression is determined by a professional, it might mean medication, as well. You may wish to discuss this with a doctor. Ask about an SSRI or a MAOI. (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or a monoamine oxidase inhibitor(

Facing the disappointment head on is usually the only way to put it in to your past. It is important to deal with it. If you don’t, it will again just end up buried. It will come out and when it does, it won’t be pretty. This is when we usually see the anger pouring out like hot lava during a volcanic eruption!

If your marriage is ending and any of these are pouring out or buried deep within your soul, you need to get some help. This can be very disruptive and you need to deal with it.

Learn to find ways to express these emotions in a productive manner. Take time to read, pray, exercise, cry a lot, find things to laugh about, seek out a good counselor, talk to a friend you trust etc.

Some people are so codependent they can’t be angry. They tend to feel guilty if they express anything unpleasant to another person. They tend to need to be needed so badly that they are controlled by their need to control. This can be even more dangerous than the explosive behavior because it is not predictable.  Remember that when we allow our emotions to confuse us, that is when we make bad or inappropriate decisions. Remember to pay attention to reason or logic. This my friend, could be the biggest challenge of all!

What happens when a marriage ends?

In most cases, there is so much pain and anger. We certainly do not get married thinking at the beginning that it will come to an end. It feels like a serious failure has just occurred.

So many decisions have to be made and it is not a good idea to make those decisions in the midst of the emotion, but most do just, that. It’s a hard thing to watch.

Where will I go? This is a very common question. You must take your time to determine if there is another family member or friend that can help for the time being. What can be afforded? This also needs to be looked at with intellect. Getting out in a hurry, can lead to bad decisions or financial trouble you don’t need at this time. What about the kids? How will we split the time? Will they need counseling? Will they be able to choose who they stay with? Will we need to go to court? How will we divide our material possessions? Will one of us stay in the house or should we sell?

There are so many questions and too many to address all of them in one post. We will attempt to answer and give ideas in the next several posts.

We believe in marriage and do our very best to keep them together but we are not unrealistic and know that some don’t make it. This is a tough time for everyone concerned and should be dealt with in an adult fashion, with truth and honesty and with great concern for those impacted. This is hard to do in the midst of all that emotion but not impossible.

Stay tuned for the next few posts.

Attention all ladies in Seminole County and Northeast Orlando:

We have a great opportunity for you, your family members or other acquaintances. At Renewing Hearts Inc., we will be offering a new group that will last 8 weeks total. It will begin early October and will be focusing in two areas.

All ladies are welcomed from ages 18 -100. The group will focus on those survivors of sexual abuse and daughters/wives or partners of those with sexual addictions. We are also inviting women who’s spouse/partners that have had affairs. We will share our stories, our hurts and our successes with one another. We will get down to the pain underneath the pretense that all is “good”.

Our group is in the process of forming as I write this note. If you are interested or know someone who might benefit from this group, please call us at the office.

407-671-2319 or send an email to:

Info@renewinghearts.org

This group will go for an 8 week period so we will all have time to prepare for the holiday season. We will discuss whether or not to resume in mid January 2012 on our last meeting day in Late November or first week of December.

Give it some thought and bring a friend. It is a donation when you arrive so no real fee. Cool Right?

Alicia Eidson MA, M.F.T.

Director of Clinical Services

One of the most difficult stages in life is when our children become adults and start making their own decisions/choices. We want them to do things our way and they simply, don't. Of course, this downhill process begins when they go to middle school and then high school. We hear from everyone their remedies and/or solutions and we wonder why our children do not respond like their’s did. What’s wrong with us, anyway?

Well, now they are adults themselves and doing, who knows what. All we want is for them to listen and do it our way. Why is that so difficult?

It’s simple. They are adults and know we have no control. We are, in many cases, the problem. We need to realize we have no control, as well.

Some of our kids are making choices about schools, money, jobs, drugs, sex, religion and some of our kids, are having kids, way to young.

The hardest thing for us as parents is watch and do nothing. Some of us pray but even that does not seem to be enough. We have to have boundaries though. If they are doing something and still living with you, you can let them know they don’t have to live with you if they can’t live in a fashion that keeps your home in tact. If they are not living with you, you are always free to express your opinions in a respectful manner and then, here comes the hard part, walk away and let them be.

Loving them well, means teaching them to be productive adults and this means making it uncomfortable for them, at times.

It is important for you to stand firm with your own values and do not rescue them out of trouble when they have repeatedly made the same bad choice over and over again.  When you rescue them, you enable them to continue in their distructive behaviors. When there is no consequence, they will keep on doing whatever they want. Here are some examples:

A young man in his early 20’s asks for money all the time and his drug addiction gets worse.  If you tell this man you will buy him food or clothes but never give him cash again, the truth of the matter may be that he will not call anymore. You have just helped him to not have so much easy access to the drugs. The sad part for us as parents is that we will not hear from him too much but in the long run, it is truly what is best for everyone involved.

A Woman 21 is living in her apartment that you are paying for while she is in school. You find out that she is not actually staying there but with her boyfriend. For crying out loud, just stop paying the rent. This means she will either continue staying with him and you are not paying for it, or she will move back home. Either way, you are not losing all that money anymore. This is hard because she will be mad at you and maybe stop talking to you for a while but you are teaching her that she can’t take advantage of your generosity and that she now has to make a very adult decision.

Remember that the most important thing is to not push so hard that it means it will break your lines of communication. Loving them means always listening, sharing your wisdom and letting them make their own choices. You do not ever have to agree, give in or enable. This will just keep them in their distructive patterns. Find ways to laugh together. This keeps a good bond between you Just be strong and love them well.

I dare you, give it a try!

Couples in love…

Well, it always amazes me when I run into a couple that has been married for over 25 years and are still madly in love with one another. They do many activities together, whether it is exercise, hobbies, travel, work, kids, volunteer opportunities etc. They still hold hands and smile at each other across a room.

In my business, I see more of the troubled couples so I love it when I run into these vitalized couples. What makes them tick? What is it that keeps them faithful to one another and smiling?

If you are one of these couples, we here at Renewing Hearts would love to hear your secrets. Share them with us so we can spread the ideas and thoughts to others.

I dare you! Just try to make an impact on another couple for the better.

Think about it.