We posted this back on November 3 and it was talked about so much that we decided to repost it. Hope it helps:

What is abuse? There is child abuse, spousal abuse or domestic violence and elder abuse. All of these are commonly seen in homes where sexual abuse is occurring.

If a woman comes into the office that has been sexually abused earlier in life then I usually will ask her husband to come in with her two or three times so that he can become one of her supporters.  If he refuses, then we see that as a serious “red flag”. Many survivors of abuse deal with shame, guilt, anger, rage, fear and low self esteem. Trust issues are seen, as well.

Why do you think people experience shame? Sometimes, it is because some of that sexual stuff like kissing touching and oral sex, felt good and it shouldn’t have, right? Sometimes, it is because they feel dirty. Sometimes, it is because sex feels dirty and everyone else likes it. This can also produce feelings of being abnormal and embarrassment. Shame goes way deeper than feelings of anger or depression because it cuts at the core of who we are. It’s not easy to talk about for the simple reason that others will not get it or others will think less of us. If it is a man being sexually abused, then you have to deal with his shame from not being strong enough or not feeling man enough. The stats on men being abused are low primarily due to not wanting to report it. Men do not usually wish to be that vulnerable.

How does all this impact marriages? Well, the obvious is that all relationships are viewed unhealthily. Perspectives on men and women are skewed. Thinking about sex is distorted. “How they feel” or “what they think and want from me”. Trust is shattered and boils over to new relationships. If trust is not in a marriage, then intimacy becomes a game. Vulnerability becomes almost impossible. Sharing feelings is difficult, embarrassing, shameful and at times, guilt ridden.

Guilt is another issue entirely. We ask ourselves, “could I have stopped this from happening” or Did I do something to deserve this?”

Let me assure you that if it is truly abuse, then it is never the victim’s fault and never a reason for guilt.

When shame, guilt and embarrassment come into a marriage relationship, it interferes with the level of intimacy. It puts other people and experiences between the partners. It chisels away at closeness.

Can it change? Of course it can, with lots of hard work and that being done as a team.

Stay tuned for more specifics on our next post.